Lighter and Brighter but still down

Barcelona, June 2008

Paris, June 2011

Wednesday is weigh in day for our Biggest Loser season 2 "Revenge of the Maltese Wedding" group. This week I logged a loss of 1.2 pounds! Pretty awesome, right?! Well I wish I felt better about it.

I started becoming an active participant in my weight loss and health care in October 2008. I went to the doctors to get a refill for my birth control pills. She wanted to weigh me and there it was staring me in the face, 245 pounds. I weighed 245 pounds! Since I had recently moved to India with Vince and didn't have a job I got right down to trying to lose weight.

Almost three years later I've lost 45 pounds. But honestly I feel as fat as I always have. I have even more problems with food and eating than before. At least before I was purposely unaware of all the calories and fat I was consumming and enjoying it! Now eating is scary. In my head I hear over and over "Am I eating too much?" "Will I lose my required pound this week?" "Damn it I want that fucking piece of cheese, I'm just going to eat it"

Then the guilt. Oh the horrible guilt.

Well it's got to stop somewhere. I am 45 pounds lighter and I want to enjoy it for goodness sakes. Why do I always want more, faster? I want smaller jeans...bikinis.....eating normally and happily without a care in the world....blah blah blah! If only I could lose 40 more pounds I would be at my goal weight and finally be happy.

Well that's bullshit! I need to be happy now or I am never going to be. How am I going to do that? To tell you the truth I have no idea but I know I can't do it alone that's for sure. Thanks to my Mom I have started food journaling. I also have taken a break from Jillian's 30 day shred and am now only doing fun exercise. Which actually has made a big difference so far.

Does any one else have some other suggestions?

Love and Hugs