This Monday we're talking about the complex subject of forgiveness. Man this is a tough one. Do you struggle with it too or are you a super awesome forgiveness worrior? I'll tell you for me it starts from the inside out. I tried hating myself and forgiving everyone else but that didn't seem to work. I've learned that in order to escape the deep dark pull resentment and anger can have is to start to forgive myself for all the crap I do and deem unforgiveable. No small feat right?
Thankfully
writer Leo Babauta takes our number and tells us how:
1. Commit to letting go. You aren’t going to do it
in a second or maybe not even in a day. It can take time to get over
something. So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is
hurting you.
2. Think about the pros and cons. What problems does
this pain cause you? Does it affect your relationship with this person?
With others? Does it affect work or family? Does it stop you from
pursuing your dreams, or becoming a better person? Does it cause you
unhappiness? Think of all these problems, and realize you need to
change. Then think of the benefits of forgiveness — how it will make you
happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your
relationships and life in general.
3. Realize you have a choice. You cannot control the
actions of others, and shouldn’t try. But you can control not only your
actions, but your thoughts. You can stop reliving the hurt, and can
choose to move on. You have this power. You just need to learn how to
exercise it.
4. Empathize. Try this: put yourself in that
person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did. Start
from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person, but just did
something wrong. What could he have been thinking, what could have
happened to him in the past to make him do what he did? What could he
have felt as he did it, and what did he feel afterward? How does he feel
now? You aren’t saying what he did is right, but are instead trying to
understand and empathize.
5. Understand your responsibility. Try to figure out
how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What
could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from
happening next time? This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or
taking responsibility away from the other person, but to realize that we
are not victims but participants in life.
6. Focus on the present. Now that you’ve reflected
on the past, realize that the past is over. It isn’t happening anymore,
except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress.
Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment. What are you doing
now? What joy can you find in what is happening right now? Find the joy
in life now, as it happens, and stop reliving the past. Btw, you will
inevitably start thinking about the past, but just acknowledge that, and
gently bring yourself back to the present moment.
7. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on
the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine each breath going
out is the pain and the past, being released from your body and mind.
And imagine each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you
up. Release the pain and the past. Let peace enter your life. And go
forward, thinking no longer of the past, but of peace and the present.
8. Feel compassion. Finally, forgive the person and
realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and
move on. Feel empathy for the person and wish happiness on them. Let
love for them, and life in general, grow in your heart. It may take
time, but if you’re stuck on this point, repeat some of the ones above
until you can get here.
Most of Leo's tips are for how to forgive others but I think they work just as well on yourself. So give it a go and let me know what happened.
I'm starting right now.
Love and Hugs
