Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Diamond Boyfriend

I am really hard on myself. If I don’t live up to my expectations then I violently kick myself to the curb. That’s it. No second chances! And I need to do the tasks I think up for myself fast! I often feel useless. I loathe myself when I fuck up. Even if I can’t find something I knew that I placed somewhere I am so mad at myself. I want to be perfect in my eyes. I feel guilty constantly. I never finished university. I have nothing to say when people ask me what I do…especially Vince’s parents. When I buy something for myself I am guilty about the money I spent that wasn’t my own. I play the game of what I want and how I don’t deserve it in my head all day long.

What Vince says is that I am an extreme idealist. He doesn’t see me as the fuck up that I see myself as. For some reason all the university, money and time I have wasted doesn’t mean anything to him. He is proud to be with me, believing that my quest for a fulfilling career is noble and strong. He sees me as on a bullheaded quest for the meaning of my life. All through this year and a half of unemployment and continuous support from Vince has made me realize that he is a true diamond. He’s always full of great ideas for jobs I could do when I am totally in the dumps and feeling so worthless. I feel like his belief in me is never ending and unyielding. It's so overwhellming and completly pure. And you know what? I never used to believe him but now things are changing. If he sees something in me that maybe I do too. I feel like something is going to happen I just don’t know what? I wish I could figure that out and get on with it already!
We’ve decided to take things slowly as to not overwhelm me. We are going to start with a driver’s license and professional French lessons in January 2010.

I have changed a few of my wants from:
I want a job where my soul feels happy.
I want to be proud of myself.

I want to wake up with a happy useful soul. And then I will be proud of myself.

Love and Hugs from the luckiest girlfriend alive!

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